Dating Fails

 

Since I have tiptoed in with a blog about dating, might as well stomp on in with a second one.  Like blogs about my kids, blogs about bad dates typically are funnier in hindsight, after overcoming the initial embarrassment, heartbreak or disgust.  For all of my married friends (who aren't married to JA's!), these stories should go make you kiss your spouses and thank God that you aren't in the single world anymore!

 

Note that these stories are not in any time order and names have been changed for my entertainment purposes.

 

 

 

 

 

Bruce

 

This is one of those infamous Match dates!  I'll refer to him as Bruce.  Bruce and I chatted via email and agreed to meet downtown.  We never exchanged phone numbers, which, turns out, we should have, because there was a misunderstanding on the restaurant and we went to two different places.  Afterwards, each of us thought the other stood us up.  Once we realized what happened, we agreed to try again -- this time with each other's phone number on stand-by -- at Cleveland Park.

 

Let's just say meeting him in person was quite different from his online persona.  For your reference, top 5 lies in online dating are as follows:

 

• Height
• Weight
• Physique
• Age
• Income

 

So he was maybe 2 of 5 in truthfulness, tops!  He admitted to me that he was older than his "advertised age," and then followed that with, "but doesn't everybody do it?"  NO, they don't.  Strike ONE.

 

I have been told I could never play poker, so it must have been obvious to Bruce that I don't take kindly to being lied to, so in an effort to impress me, he told me about the Batman car he keeps in his garage, works on, and drives for special outings.  Strike TWO and THREE.  Holy Toledo, Batman, no MATCH.

 

 

Blaze

While I'm talking about online dates, here's another.  I'll call him Blaze.  More like a flash fire -- which is characterized by a high temperature and short duration, by the way.  We had met a couple of times already, so knew a bit about each other by this date.  We met at a local restaurant and sat in a booth.  I was wearing a sundress, and underneath it a "freebra," advertised as "the new definition of freedom."  LOL.  Basically it's a stick-on bra that requires no straps at all but hurts like the dickens when you take it off.  ANYWAY, I was telling Blaze some long story, and in the midst of  it, I felt the freebra slide down my stomach and land on my thigh!!  I'm sure the lack of adhesion was due to the lotion I had applied prior to the date as well as the sweat from a date with someone I am calling Blaze.  I am also sure (due to the fact that I do not have a poker face as discussed in the aforementioned story), I paused in the midst of this rambling saga for a second or two.  I mean, how could you NOT? 


He appeared not to notice, so I continued, hoping to God he needed to go to the restroom quickly so I could put myself back together.  Eventually, in probably 10 minutes -- though it seemed like an hour -- he did go to the restroom and I was able to discreetly affix the freebra back to the original body part.  Ahhhh.  The date was fine, as well as subsequent dates, but ultimately, it ended in a wisp of smoke.  This is when I LOVE that I have such great girlfriends who tell me just exactly what I needed to hear.  In this case, "Strong, silent men are overrated."  Yes, even when they're smoking hot....

 

 

 

Dweebgooberman

So this one was NOT an online date, but rather someone I met at church.  I know, I know.  Men from church have not worked out well.  This one was before JA2, and in hindsight, should have been a deterrent from dating anyone from church.  I'll just call him Dweebgooberman.  He had asked me out multiple, multiple times and I had declined.  Finally, he just wore me down, plus he asked me to go to a party, so I knew we would at least be around other people, and I could take refuge with someone else if it was a terrible date. 

 

I just didn't think it would be bad so SOON!  He picked me up in a really old model car.  I can deal with this.  I'm not snooty.  Heck I've always driven old cars.  This was a grandpa car though.  Still, it was okay.  Next, though, was the radio station.  He was playing 1950's music!  NOOOOO!  Swing music.  Uggggg.  I decided I would put on my big girl panties (no freebras this time) and get through this night.  But then he decided to call his dad -- yes on our first date -- and he kept calling him "Father" throughout the conversation.  It was the most stilted, strangest, weirdest conversation I've ever eavesdropped on.  I swear, I was ready to throw out the big girl panties, and when we got to the next red light, stop, drop and roll, and figure out some way to get home. 

 

I managed to get through the night because, thankfully, there were others at the party to talk to, several of whom asked me why I was there with HIM (referencing Dweebgooberman).  Maybe I should have talked to his friends first.....

 

Obviously, no MATCH.

 

 

 

Con Vic

Okay, back to Match.  I'll call this one Con Vic.  He and I met downtown, first going to Smiley's and listening to music, then to Connelly's.  The date started out well.  Going back to earlier in the blog, again, he was not quite accurate with his online description, but it was alright.  When we went to Connelly's, he had a few drinks and danced.  He was actually a great dancer and we had a good time. 


More drinks, though, and Con started talking about his ex.  Then he was on his phone with his ex.  Then the whole evening turned into a cry fest about his ex.  Then he revealed to me that he was wearing an ankle bracelet, which was unlike that pictured above.  It was used for MONITORING purposes, because of problems with his EX.  At this point, I decided to make my exit.  I like jewelry and all, but noooooo.  And definitely NO MATCH. 

 

 
 

 So those are the top 4 dating fails, or at least the ones that I remember.  There are more, as there are more kid stories.  It's just a matter of finding the time to sit down and record them.  Too busy living life with kids and dates -- well and animals too!  Time for an animal story soon.....