Dating Fails

 

Since I have tiptoed in with a blog about dating, might as well stomp on in with a second one.  Like blogs about my kids, blogs about bad dates typically are funnier in hindsight, after overcoming the initial embarrassment, heartbreak or disgust.  For all of my married friends (who aren't married to JA's!), these stories should go make you kiss your spouses and thank God that you aren't in the single world anymore!

 

Note that these stories are not in any time order and names have been changed for my entertainment purposes.

 

 

 

 

 

Bruce

 

This is one of those infamous Match dates!  I'll refer to him as Bruce.  Bruce and I chatted via email and agreed to meet downtown.  We never exchanged phone numbers, which, turns out, we should have, because there was a misunderstanding on the restaurant and we went to two different places.  Afterwards, each of us thought the other stood us up.  Once we realized what happened, we agreed to try again -- this time with each other's phone number on stand-by -- at Cleveland Park.

 

Let's just say meeting him in person was quite different from his online persona.  For your reference, top 5 lies in online dating are as follows:

 

• Height
• Weight
• Physique
• Age
• Income

 

So he was maybe 2 of 5 in truthfulness, tops!  He admitted to me that he was older than his "advertised age," and then followed that with, "but doesn't everybody do it?"  NO, they don't.  Strike ONE.

 

I have been told I could never play poker, so it must have been obvious to Bruce that I don't take kindly to being lied to, so in an effort to impress me, he told me about the Batman car he keeps in his garage, works on, and drives for special outings.  Strike TWO and THREE.  Holy Toledo, Batman, no MATCH.

 

 

Blaze

While I'm talking about online dates, here's another.  I'll call him Blaze.  More like a flash fire -- which is characterized by a high temperature and short duration, by the way.  We had met a couple of times already, so knew a bit about each other by this date.  We met at a local restaurant and sat in a booth.  I was wearing a sundress, and underneath it a "freebra," advertised as "the new definition of freedom."  LOL.  Basically it's a stick-on bra that requires no straps at all but hurts like the dickens when you take it off.  ANYWAY, I was telling Blaze some long story, and in the midst of  it, I felt the freebra slide down my stomach and land on my thigh!!  I'm sure the lack of adhesion was due to the lotion I had applied prior to the date as well as the sweat from a date with someone I am calling Blaze.  I am also sure (due to the fact that I do not have a poker face as discussed in the aforementioned story), I paused in the midst of this rambling saga for a second or two.  I mean, how could you NOT? 


He appeared not to notice, so I continued, hoping to God he needed to go to the restroom quickly so I could put myself back together.  Eventually, in probably 10 minutes -- though it seemed like an hour -- he did go to the restroom and I was able to discreetly affix the freebra back to the original body part.  Ahhhh.  The date was fine, as well as subsequent dates, but ultimately, it ended in a wisp of smoke.  This is when I LOVE that I have such great girlfriends who tell me just exactly what I needed to hear.  In this case, "Strong, silent men are overrated."  Yes, even when they're smoking hot....

 

 

 

Dweebgooberman

So this one was NOT an online date, but rather someone I met at church.  I know, I know.  Men from church have not worked out well.  This one was before JA2, and in hindsight, should have been a deterrent from dating anyone from church.  I'll just call him Dweebgooberman.  He had asked me out multiple, multiple times and I had declined.  Finally, he just wore me down, plus he asked me to go to a party, so I knew we would at least be around other people, and I could take refuge with someone else if it was a terrible date. 

 

I just didn't think it would be bad so SOON!  He picked me up in a really old model car.  I can deal with this.  I'm not snooty.  Heck I've always driven old cars.  This was a grandpa car though.  Still, it was okay.  Next, though, was the radio station.  He was playing 1950's music!  NOOOOO!  Swing music.  Uggggg.  I decided I would put on my big girl panties (no freebras this time) and get through this night.  But then he decided to call his dad -- yes on our first date -- and he kept calling him "Father" throughout the conversation.  It was the most stilted, strangest, weirdest conversation I've ever eavesdropped on.  I swear, I was ready to throw out the big girl panties, and when we got to the next red light, stop, drop and roll, and figure out some way to get home. 

 

I managed to get through the night because, thankfully, there were others at the party to talk to, several of whom asked me why I was there with HIM (referencing Dweebgooberman).  Maybe I should have talked to his friends first.....

 

Obviously, no MATCH.

 

 

 

Con Vic

Okay, back to Match.  I'll call this one Con Vic.  He and I met downtown, first going to Smiley's and listening to music, then to Connelly's.  The date started out well.  Going back to earlier in the blog, again, he was not quite accurate with his online description, but it was alright.  When we went to Connelly's, he had a few drinks and danced.  He was actually a great dancer and we had a good time. 


More drinks, though, and Con started talking about his ex.  Then he was on his phone with his ex.  Then the whole evening turned into a cry fest about his ex.  Then he revealed to me that he was wearing an ankle bracelet, which was unlike that pictured above.  It was used for MONITORING purposes, because of problems with his EX.  At this point, I decided to make my exit.  I like jewelry and all, but noooooo.  And definitely NO MATCH. 

 

 
 

 So those are the top 4 dating fails, or at least the ones that I remember.  There are more, as there are more kid stories.  It's just a matter of finding the time to sit down and record them.  Too busy living life with kids and dates -- well and animals too!  Time for an animal story soon.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating is for the Birds, and I guess I am a Chicken

Okay, I have typically avoided the topic of dating in my blog or on FB.  It's been taboo.  Same as politics is getting to be.  There's no use posting anything because I'm not gonna convince those people who are determined to vote the wrong way (lol!), and they're not ever gonna convince me that the mustard-haired guy will ever be fit to lead this country.  But now that dating is also a topic of conversation with my children, particularly my daughter, maybe it is time to venture into that unchartered territory.  With a glass of wine of course....

 

Emma experienced her first heartbreak just a couple of months ago when she came to the realization that she didn't really like her boyfriend as much as she did when he first asked her to "date."  Now keep in mind that "dating" in middle schools really just means that the two of you are labeled by others as "dating."  You "hang out" at school, and on occasion, may actually go out with a group of friends.  Believe me, I have had her drill down to me exactly what "dating" entails, especially focusing on the question of physical touching.  She said that hugs were allowed, and I still shook my head in disapproval.  I mean hugs could lead to kisses on cheeks --  which can lead to kisses on lips -- which can lead to, well, other things.  So no touching.  Period.  Anyway, back to her heartache.  It was right before the 8th grade dance, which they were attending together, that she broke the news to him.  Poor guy didn't sleep at all that night and poor Emma just felt awful and guilty. 

 

I didn't really know what to say, other than that it's better to be honest up front, and that she did the right thing.  Oh, and that this isn't the last time she'll feel like this, because mama also has to be honest up front, with a lot of head kissing and arm stroking to try to soften the news that heartbreak is part of life.

 

I don't even have to go back to my middle school or high school days to remember how that feels.  Heck, I can go back to last week or last month or last year and feel that knot in the stomach or that tightness in the chest.  Unfortunately, I'm going through the dating experience with Emma and it stinks just as bad for me as it does for a 14 year old.

 

I don't even know how to navigate the dating process these days.  First, how do you even meet guys at MY age and with my kids and animals?  And do not tell me that Farmersonly.com is an option, because it is NOT.  I have looked, especially when I couldn't get the little ditty out of my head --  You don't have to be lonely....with Farmersonly.com.  Yes, I prefer to be lonely.  Sigh.

 

Then there is Match, and I could write a book about my Match experiences.  In reality, I have met some nice people, but I've balanced that out with a bunch of fruitloops.

 

After JA2, I will never date someone I met at church, so that's out. 

 

Not sure what other options are out there, except maybe my hairdresser!  :)

 

So I'm just gonna sit in my house and wait for someone to magically drop out of the sky.  They could actually make it through my fireplace, as there is no damper and birds come down to visit from time to time.

 

Let's say someone magically appears.  What next?  That is also puzzling because everyone is different and they all have different expectations. 

 

• First, are you attracted to each other? 
• Second, are you interesting to each other? 
• Third, are you bringing drama into my life (NO)? 
• Fourth, are you allergic to cats (uh oh)? 
• Fifth, do you have a job?  Wait, maybe that should be third. 
• Sixth, can you communicate VERBALLY (texting does not count)?  Oh shoot, my order is entirely messed up now. 
• Seventh, are you at the same place in your lives?  In other words, are you still partying while I am ready to go to sleep at 10 pm?
• Eighth, do we worship the same God?  Wait, that's another that goes up to the top, probably way before cat allergies.
• Ninth, are you physically in good shape and do you take pride in your appearance,or are you a big couch potato?
• Tenth, do you know the difference between there, their and they're?

 

Okay, so maybe I'm picky, but doggone it, I have a right to be after the dating/marriage calamaties I've experienced.

 

Which takes me to my second glass of wine.....

I keep another diary that is just between me and God.  That one is detailed and contains thoughts that probably should not be shared with anyone but a Higher Power, nothing blog-worthy.  I could probably get sued or something.  Lisa Tolley, if anything ever happens to me, you are to come into my home and destroy it!  Without reading it of course.

That one is for cleansing purposes and is for those nights when sleep eludes me.  It actually is completely open, no JA1 or JA2 references, no redactions.  When I go back and look at that, I think, "OMG, Lord, did I bargain with you when I was with JA2 that if you'd take him out of my life, that I would never date again?"  But then again, maybe it is all in His timing and He is seeing how much my heart can take.  It's not too much different from my sister training for an Iron Man.  Well, she may not think the two are comparable, but that's my take on it anyway.  At least an Iron Man is over in an average of 12 hours, and she can go drink a beer afterwards.

So maybe I'll completely give up men and train for an Iron Man.  Oh wait, I'm not a good swimmer.  Actually I'm a terrible swimmer.  I'll train for a marathon.  Yes, that's what I'll do.

Dang, that glass of wine went fast.

No, no training for a marathon.  Ugh, what was I thinking 2 minutes ago?  Maybe a 5K will do....

If anyone would like to train with me for a 5K or can hook me up with someone who meets my many requirements for a "substantial" relationship (mama, you don't count), you can find me at FB or out in my yard commiserating with the other chickens!