Okay, the train has left the station and there is no turning back. The kids are full on into adolescence and I am having just as much difficulty with it as they are. On one hand, I want to turn back time and take them back to the days when they could not speak. On the other hand, I am ready for them to be driving so Mom's taxi service can have a reprieve. And then I think.....just live in the moment. It will all pass and I could possibly look back on these days and wish we were here again, when they were 12 and 13. Doubt it, but it's possible.
So Sloan started growing facial hair early in sixth grade, if not before. I was okay with him shaving, but his dad wasn't. Only after Sloan and I convinced him that other kids were making fun of my son's growing mustache, did he acquiesce and let Sloan shave. So Sloan used his dad's electric razor and shaved at his dad's house, because he really only needed to shave once every few weeks. About a month ago, Sloan asked if he could get a regular razor for here, so we bought him one, along with shaving cream and after shave. (I was shocked to learn that Old Spice is in style for teens! Seriously!) I was outside on the back deck when Sloan walked out with blue gel strips all over his face and asked what was wrong with the shaving cream. I had made the assumption that his dad taught him the shaving rules, but he apparently forgot to tell him that you have to put the gel in your hand first and rub it to get it to foam up. Instead Sloan applied the gel directly to his face! Let's just say it took a few times before he got it right. So this starts the transition of the baby smooth face of a boy to the bristly face of a man. Kills me.
Emma has her own transitional phases, many of which can't be detailed here, but they all include a variety of moods, typical of a teenage girls. Ah, the angst of it all......
Both kids have come to me, either separately or together, to ask the meaning of "grown-up" words, which I have learned, typically means words related to sex. Again, on one hand, I am glad they come to me to ask these things. On the other hand, ugggg, God spare me! Several months ago, Emma had a list of words she wanted me to define. I have seriously wiped much of this conversation out of my mind, but one of the words was "boner." Seriously. The kicker was that she told me she would check the Urban Dictionary to confirm the meanings of the words. This was the first I had heard of an Urban Dictionary, and believe me, it is NOTHING like Webster's. So I discovered this new dictionary, and worse, I discovered I really had to be as transparent as possible with my daughter. Worse than that, I discovered that she knew words I had never heard of until high school or after!!! Heck, I needed to check the Urban Dictionary to make sure I knew the definition!! So, I told her that "boner" was defined as an "erection." To which she replied, "And what is an erection?" God help me......
So I told her if a boy EVER came up to her and told her he had a boner, to kick him in his nuts. And those would be defined as, per the Urban Dictionary:
1. Crazy
2. Testicles
3. Things which monkeys eat.
So done. Checked off the list.
She asked me shortly afterwards (and in the car -- such a small, confined space for such a conversation) if masturbation had anything to do with chickens. I swear, I almost ran off the road. I didn't know whether to laugh or be totally serious. My strategy typically is to follow a question with a question, like "Where did you hear that word?" or "Why would you think that?" or "Do you want to go get some ice cream?" They have figured out my strategy now, though, and will not let me divert their attention. I completely stammered my way through that one but still have no idea how she came to the conclusion that there was some correlation between masturbation and chickens. God help me....
And there is so much more, but that is for another day.....
Hysterical!
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