I can't let October come to an end without emphasizing the importance of domestic violence awareness. This is not just some general PSA. At one time, years ago, I was a public relations manager working with a company that did -- and still does -- have initiatives in place to bring awareness to domestic violence, with the goal of ending this scourge . I worked on projects supporting this initiative, never thinking that I could be a victim. That was always "somebody else." I could never imagine that I could let myself into a relationship like that, yet I did.....
I met him at church. How is that for ironic? This drop-dead handsome man came and sat beside me during one of the services. He chatted with me before the service started, saying he had noticed me around church, he was going through a divorce, and he just wanted to get to know me. Before the service ended, he handed me a piece of paper with his name and number on it and asked me to call him. Well, even as handsome as he was, with everything I had going on in my life (children and animals and such), it was several days before I called him. He was on the side of the road, fixing his flat tire with his sleeping child in the back of the car. Of course, this prompted images of a man that could fix things and take care of his family at the same time. A sweet vision. He was going out of town but said he would call me when he got back so we could go out.
Well, that started it. It was non-stop from there. He called from Beaufort, saying he was coming back early so that we could go out. We met at a local restaurant. I had a glass of wine. He had a water. We got to know each other. I learned he was from NY and was going through his second divorce. He had been a model with the Ford Modeling Agency. He had two kids, from two separate wives. He had been a bartender at Studio 54 back during "the day." He remodeled homes. He had lives in Florida. I was mesmerized. He had such a different background from me -- so exotic, at least from that first description. From that point on, which was in December, we started seeing each other often.
In March of the following year, a friend of mine from high school invited us to come visit her in Florida. I hadn't seen her in awhile, so I was looking forward to catching up. For purposes of this blog, I will call this guy JA2 (which will be familiar to any of you who have been reading my blogs). JA2 drove the entire trip to Florida. When we got there, my friend offered us drinks. JA2 took full advantage of the alcohol. To this point, I had never known him to drink heavily. We looked at photos and caught up from the past few months. Once we all went up to our rooms to go to bed, JA2 started screaming at me about one of the guys who was in one of the photos with me. He wanted to know why I hadn't told him about this past boyfriend. I was in total shock. First, I honestly had forgotten I had dated the guy. Second, really, what did it matter and why was he this upset? I was curled up in a ball on the bed, not knowing what to do, through this verbal tirade. He called me every name in the book, things nobody else EVER would have said to me. At some point -- when I realized my friend or her husband was not hearing or was not interfering with what was going on -- I told JA2 that I was going to call a taxi and have them take me to the airport. He then begged meo stay. This went on and on for probably a couple of hours. Eventually, he went to sleep and I went to sleep and I wondered what on earth I had gotten myself into. The next morning, he apologized, saying he hadn't had anything to eat and had drank too much. He then apologized to my friend and her husband, who both said they had the TV on in their room and hadn't heard a word. I intended to come back to Greenville and break off the relationship.
I do not remember what all he did to charm his way back into my good graces, but he did, and this became a pattern. He asked me to marry him in May, only five months after we met. This should have set off some alarms, just as the Florida trip should have. I told him I would think about it, as his divorce was still not final and I still had concerns about his behavior, specifically his jealousy.
I won't go into all of the details (as that is a book, not a blog), but throughout the courtship and eventual marriage, the abuse escalated from the verbal abuse that started in Florida, to physical abuse that included fractured ribs on two occasions, a torn ligament in one finger and bruises that were too many to count, though they were always concentrated in areas covered by clothing. Typically, this involved heavy drinking on his part, followed by accusations that were completely paranoia-induced, then I would attempt to leave the house. He usually grabbed my keys and/or cell phones, so I was reduced to going to the local elementary school playground or somewhere else I could hide until he passed out and I could come home. I cannot begin to express the humiliation I felt. I had worked hard to pay for this house and to renovate it and to work in the yard -- to make it my own. It was my place of refuge after my ex-husband left me with my two small children years ago. I paid all of the bills. Yet JA2 was forcing me out of that house because I knew he would hurt me if I stayed. At times, I was able to get my keys and get to my mom's house, or get my purse and get to a hotel. I even stayed in a shelter, and it was awful. I kept coming back home, though, and he kept apologizing and promising to get help.
We went to counseling. He told me that I had promised to be married to him until death do us part. My ex-husband (JA1) was trying to use anything as leverage to cut his child support (my kids were not home during any of these episodes by the way). My lawyer told me that in order to divorce JA2, I would need to move out with the kids -- from my own home that I owned and was paying for, including all of the bills. None of this seemed right. I don't think God intended for marriage to include abuse. I don't think it's right that I should have to leave my home when my current husband is abusive. I thought he should leave. It was not an easy situation.
I had called the police on a couple of occasions and ended up dropping charges. In one case, JA2 agreed to take anger management classes. Obviously they didn't work. He didn't change.
Finally, in January 2013, I had a business trip to NJ. Business trips did not go over well with JA2 at all. As a matter of fact, my work didn't go over well with him. He didn't think I should wear makeup to work. He didn't think I should meet with my boss ever in an office without someone else present. He thought that if he was feeling sad (typically about our relationship), I should stay home with him or else work was "more important than our relationship." It was a no-win situation. Regardless, I had to go on this trip. I had a late flight back to Greenville. I called him from the airport and he told me that he was on a website that showed cameras in airports and he could see me --he could see me talking to someone. I knew this was not true, as I had not spoken to a soul in that airport. It was just strange, but typical with him. I got to Greenville around 10 pm and on the drive home from the airport, I called him. I could tell he had been drinking, just from his voice. I asked him if we could have calmness that night, as I was SO tired from the trip. I asked if he had been drinking. His response was that I was just going to ruin the night. "Why do you always have to do that?" he said.
When I got home, he met me at the door, with two glasses of wine. I was carrying three bags into the house and asked if he could help me. I took one sip of wine and then he started in on me with the verbal assaults. I told him I was going to check into a hotel, as I was exhausted. As I was opening the door, he slammed it violently and knocked me on the floor. He sat on top of me and grabbed my head, banging it repeatedly on the floor. He got my purse and dumped all of the contents on me. He tore up everything in it he could get his hands on. He tore open a bag of potato chips that I had bought in the airport restaurant and emptied it on my face. He tore up my key ring and threw keys all over the room. He got my car charger and stretched the cord, acting like he was going to choke me with it. I was scared to death but had this hymn running through my head the whole time. I was blocking out everything he was saying but wondering if I was going to make it through this night. At some point, he got off of me. I tried repeatedly to get out of the house, either through the front or back doors. I tried to stay in the front of the house, in the dining room where there are no curtains where somebody could possibly see what was going on. Eventually, hours later, I was able to find my car key and run out of the house, with no shoes on, to my car. I had my phone as well, so I called 911 and a police officer met me in a parking lot down the street. AH2 was arrested that night around 1 am (and was also charged with resisting arrest as well as CDV -- criminal domestic violence), and that night marks the end of my communications with him.
While he was in jail, I had him served with divorce papers. As a condition of his bond, he was ordered not to come within 200 feet of me. It has been nearly two years, and yet his trial has not taken place. It most likely will not be scheduled until next January, two years after that horrible night, one of many.
It is because of this story -- and so, so many others that occurred with JA2 that only I know about (because he was too drunk to remember and I told no one else what was going on) -- that I want to encourage everyone I know to understand that domestic violence is out there. It does not discriminate based on race, education, socio-economics, or any other factor. It is there and is prominent especially in SC, 2nd in the nation for deaths related to domestic violence. It is a big topic in October, but we can't just focus on it one month of the year. Men should never hit women. Nor should they squeeze, choke, intimidate, or verbally abuse women. Women should not be in fear of men who are supposed to love them. Domestic violence should not happen to anyone. Period.
